Q:Hi. I am 14 years old and I'm not sure whether I'm demisexial, or gray-a sexual. Please help me out here. I think I may be both but I don't know what to do. Is being either of these an embarrassing thing to be? Should it be a secret? Should I tell my parents? Or what do I do?
You seem a little worried, and I want to do my best to help! Neither of those things are embarrassing! A sexual orientation is not an embarrassing thing, its a way to describe how someone experiences a part of their sexuality. Gray asexual simply means that you only experience sexual attraction occasionally or in certain circumstances. Demisexuality is actually a sub-type of gray-asexuality. It’s used to describe gray-asexual people who have the potential to experience sexual attraction only after they’ve formed some sort of emotional bond with someone (romantic or otherwise). So if you are demi, you would also be considered gray-asexual. Demisexual is just a more specific term to use instead of gray-asexual.
And again, none of those are embarrassing things to be! They are just another thing that people can be, like how some people can be blonde and others brunette and still others have black hair or red hair, in all different shades! Sexual orientations are just as varied!
As for what you should do: You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to! You can tell your parents if you like and feel safe doing so, you could keep it to yourself, you could tell friends. It’s entirely up to you! Discovering yourself can be a really great, exciting thing and if you want to share it with others, go ahead! But you absolutely don’t have to! No one is entitled to information about your sexuality.
I hope that, whatever orientation you find that fits your right now, it makes you comfortable and happy! Just don’t let anyone tell you that your feelings or you identity aren’t real! You know yourself best!
If you’re not watching Sirens on Thursday nights at 10pm on USA, then you’re missing out. Not only is it one of the funniest shows out there right now — being that it’s co-created and executive produced by Denis Leary — but it’s also highly inclusive.
It centers on a team of Chicago EMTs, and focuses on the odd partnership of three men, Brian, who is the new guy, Johnny, a guy with a slow developing emotional range, and Hank, an African-American homosexual who defies all stereotypes the rest of popular media inflicts upon gay men. Their team is fleshed out in Cash, Voodoo, and Stats. And last night’s episode showed that Voodoo is asexual.
It took Brian from confusion and denail, to attempts to understand, and eventually wrapped it all around in a bow of acceptance. Brian went from the ideology that asexuals “just haven’t had proper sex,” to wanting to understand what asexual means — and failing — and finally all the way to realizing that sex isn’t what defines relationships, and that just being around Voodoo is enough for him.
Do yourselves a favor, and catch up on the episodes, and start tuning in Thursdays at 10.
Anyone seen this?! I need to know your thoughts cause I’m thinking of watching it!
Q:Thank you so much for having this blog - it helped me realize, well put into words, who I am and what I like. Homoromantic asexual with a slight grey line with certain males. Anyway, thank you and I hope you have a fabulous day!
Thanks so much! I’m really happy for you!
Q:what's the difference between a squish and a crush?
A crush is romantic, a squish is platonic. For example: You would desire to do things that you consider romantic with your crush, while with a squish, you would desire to do and have a platonic relationship with them.
Do you guys like games? Cause I’m an addict, and I play all different kinds of games. Different genres, different platforms. I play TONS OF GAMES. I am also currently studying independently to become a game developer, so surrounding myself with as many games as possible is a really great thing for my learning process!
The point is that I found myself wanting an outlet to talk about all these games I play, because I can only talk my girlfriends ear off for so long, right?? haha. Which is why I’ve made a gaming blog! It’s gonna have:
- Tips, tricks, and walkthroughs for various video games
- Reviews of tabletop, console, online and PC games of all different genres
- Give-aways!! (Currently doing one for the online lion sim game, Lioden! I’m also planning to do one for steam games sometime in the future!)
So if you guys are really into games and you want to check it out and maybe get some free stuff every now and then, the link is Mindcrank!
So far most of the content is Lioden and The Last Of us, but I’ll be adding stuff soon for games like Towns, Diablo 3, Remember Me, and a bunch of games I play on Steam!
Q:I've fallen in love with my best friend. The only dilemma is that he's gay... And I'm a gray-a high school girl. (We're both in high school just to clarify) He's exactly like me. He calls me his other half. He's for sure gay so there's no chance that he actually likes me like that. We spend the majority of every day together. And I just love everything about him. Another issue: he's super observant and picks up on things (such as who someone like who ppl like). Comments and/or advice please.
Well I could see you going one of two ways with this:
- See if you would be interested in approaching him about the idea of some sort of queerplatonic arrangement
- Get over him??? I’m sorry, there’s not much you can do if you want a romantic relationship and he’s not interested. That’s something about him that you have to respect and support, and hopefully it won’t get in the way of your friendship!
Q:as an asexual, how would you describe your view towards sex? Is it rather passive as in, you don't mind people talking about it and it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable? Or is it something you actively don't like and try to avoid conversation topics about it? I know these views can vary but I'm writing an ace character and would really like some insight, thanks!
hmm. well I don’t really know how to describe it!!
I’m pretty comfortable with discussions about sex among myself and friends, it doesn’t really bother me at all. I joke about it all the time, (I even have it occasionally with a particular person). Most people wouldn’t guess I’m ace by how I talk about sex, basically, and it doesn’t make me any more uncomfortable than it would an average non-asexual person.
I’m gonna go into a little more detail beyond the cut, so I’m not cluttering up peoples dash:
What do we call asexuals who exclude demisexuals and grey-asexuals from ace spaces because they’re not “true asexuals”? Or asexuals who try to use romantic relationships to say “HEY GUYS, LOOOOK, WE’RE NORMAL” and shit all over aromantic people? I feel like we should have some word for that.
quick questions to members of the asexual community ! okay well a lot of people (including me) who are asexual worry that we won’t find anybody who will want to stay with us since we’re asexual and i was wondering, do any of you have boyfriends or girlfriends that completely accept your sexuality? or has it been hard??
I do, and we’ve been together for just over a year, if that helps!
Q:Hi! I just read your post about how you found out you were asexual and wanted to say thank you!
You’re welcome, I guess??!! <3
Q:I'm sorry if you've already answered this question before, but I was wondering if you could provide me with a few answers. For a while I've tried to figure out exactly what my sexuality is as I'm romantically attracted to multiple genders, but never in a sexual way. For example I will find someone attractive, want to be with them, enjoy the sensual-passionate kind of contact, but I have no desire to go any further (no foreplay or sex because it makes me feel uncomfortable), am I asexual?
Sounds like asexuality to me, anon ^^
The basic thing about asexuality is that we don’t experience sexual attraction. Sensuality and romance is still definitely on the table for some of us sensual romantic asexuals, and what you’re describing to me is pretty common! Sometimes it’s hard for people to allow themselves to identify as Asexual, especially if they still have a desire for other kinds of physical contact that aren’t sexual in nature, but are still intimate.
I know the ask box doesn’t have a lot of room, and sometimes you can give very much information, but based on what you’re telling me, the words polyromantic asexual and biromantic asexual come to mind. Personally though, I wouldn’t stress to much over ‘official labels’ (in case you are). I tend to go back on forth a lot with my romantic orientation. Sometimes I ID more with homoromantic, sometimes biromantic, and sometimes just grayromantic. But when it comes down to it, it doesn’t really matter on a day to day basis because I don’t have to sit around explaining minute details to every person I meet haha. But I wanted to give you some ideas to start with, because I know how satisfying it can be to have phrases that describe how you feel! So I hope you find some!
Q:Hi. I think I may be asexual but I was wondering, how did you know were asexual? From what I understand asexuals can like romance and have sex sometimes but the difference between asex and others is lack of want for sex, right?
Indeedy- asexuals can like romance and sex! Asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction, though, so when asexuals do have sex it’s for other reasons- to compromise for a partner, out of curiosity, due to having certain kinks/fetishes, because it feels good, etc.
I’d like to open this question up to our lovely followers: how did all of you know you were asexual?
Personally, I found out one day halfway through college when I idly googled “asexuality in humans.” I didn’t think it was possible to *be* asexual, but I didn’t know what else to call myself. I knew that I (occasionally) experienced romantic attraction, but I didn’t know why I didn’t feel that *urge* to have sex with anyone I was interested in. That day, I found AVEN. And as I read people’s stories and talked with people in AVENchat, I realized something important about myself. And I realized that other people also identified as asexual- it was an incredibly powerful moment for me, especially after years of feeling broken. I discovered there wasn’t anything wrong with me. And that I wasn’t alone.
Back in my heterosexist, misogynistic teenage years, I used to think I was just picky, or less ‘airheaded and boy crazy’ than all the other ‘stupid girls’. And that all the boys my age were assholes and too awkward for me to want to date, even though I kinda had a few fleeting crushes (now I realize they were actually squishes, however). And that attitude kinda stayed with me until after my first year of Bible college (I quit after that year btw), and after I started dating a friend of mine.
It was while I was dating this guy that I started to feel broken, not because I didn’t want sex (I was a good christian girl because of that, obvs, haha, I didn’t think anything of that at the time), but because I didn’t want affection or attention from him, period. I had no desire to get closer to him than we already were, and I didn’t like him trying to touch and cuddle with me. Eventually I broke up with him because I couldn’t stand feeling obligated to give and receive romantic affection anymore. And I started to wonder what was wrong with me. Why hadn’t I ever had strong feelings for anyone.
AND YOU WOULD THINK that that would make me realize I was AROMANTIC, but I didn’t know about romantic orientations at the time. I was only just starting to get familiar with and accept the LGBTQ+ community. So I came across Asexuality first. I didn’t really understand it, and the definition on AVEN left me feeling that that couldn’t possibly be me. Because I mean I had (forced myself to) have ‘crushes’ in the past. And I always thought I would be interested in sex if I came across someone I liked enough.
And then on tumblr, I starting reading about romantic orientations, and the different between asexual and aromantic, and that some aces had sex drives, and some aces want romantic relationships. And then things just kinda clicked into place for me. I realized that all my past crushes had been pretty well purely platonic. Like… man I’d really like to play video games with that guy. Not even cuddle. Lets just game.
And while I was figuring all this out, something pretty new was happening to me. I was actually developing a REAL romantic crush on someone that kinda sneaked up on me completely out of left field because I’d never even wondered if I liked girls before, but hey, turns out I do?? And It was mostly platonic at first, and as we got closer, turned romantic over time.
And it was basically through this really weird span of a couple years and learning new things and getting relationship experience than I came to understand that, as far as I know, I’m pretty damn asexual, and also gray-romantic.
It’s just as soon as I was able to separate the idea of romantic and sexual attraction, as soon as I realized that I could want a relationship without wanting sex, everything made sense, and I knew I was asexual because I had never felt like I wanted something that I wasn’t getting in terms of sex. And if I had gone 19 years without ever ‘burning up with sexual desire’ for another person, I thought it was pretty safe for me to start IDing as Asexual.
Q:is it bad that i respect my identity enough to NOT have sex?
Why would it be bad to not have sex? What you do with your body and your sex life is completely up to you. No matter your reasons for not wanting to have sex, I would be 100% supportive of your decision not to.
Also I really want to update my sidebar but tumblrs customize section won’t let me save any changes -.- so annoyed right now. Posting about it to remind myself to check back later and to try different browsers.
So I never thought I was gonna be that person who reads theology books in their down time, but apparently I am haha. I guess struggling with these issues in real life really drives you to learn as much as you can about them.
This is the book that is next on my reading list, as soon as I can get a hold of it.
From what I have read of the introduction and about the author, this guy seems right up my ally. It looks like it addresses issues of gender fluidity as well as sexuality without being gender-abolitionist. In the introduction it states “I believe that, at it’s heart, Christian Theology is a fundamentally queer enterprise, and this book is an attempt to demonstrate this truth.” It also explains that “this book is about ‘queer’ theology as opposed to ‘lesbian and gay’ theology.” Which makes me tingle with excitement, because that last book I read was very much just about ‘lesbian and gay’ theology, and it barely touched on the rest of the LGBTQ community in any meaningful way whatsoever.
His other titles also sound very intriguing. I’ll snag them from his biography to show you guys:
Cheng’s research interests relate to the intersections of sexuality, race, ethics, and theology. His first book, Radical Love: An Introduction to Queer Theology, provides an accessible guide to queer theology. His subsequent book, From Sin to Amazing Grace: Discovering the Queer Christ, reclaims the doctrines of sin and grace for queer people and their allies who have been wounded by such doctrines in the past. Most recently, Cheng published Rainbow Theology: Bridging Race, Sexuality, and Spirit, which is the first book that brings together theological voices from various queer of color communities.
Rainbow Theology is particular I am really looking forward to!
So basically I’m sharing this in case any one else is interested in reading about theology from this angle instead of the average white gay dude angle. I know I’m really excited for it! And I’m also interested to know if any of my followers have read this or any of his other books, and what your thoughts on them are?