Q:Hi! I just read your post about how you found out you were asexual and wanted to say thank you!
You’re welcome, I guess??!! <3
Q:I'm sorry if you've already answered this question before, but I was wondering if you could provide me with a few answers. For a while I've tried to figure out exactly what my sexuality is as I'm romantically attracted to multiple genders, but never in a sexual way. For example I will find someone attractive, want to be with them, enjoy the sensual-passionate kind of contact, but I have no desire to go any further (no foreplay or sex because it makes me feel uncomfortable), am I asexual?
Sounds like asexuality to me, anon ^^
The basic thing about asexuality is that we don’t experience sexual attraction. Sensuality and romance is still definitely on the table for some of us sensual romantic asexuals, and what you’re describing to me is pretty common! Sometimes it’s hard for people to allow themselves to identify as Asexual, especially if they still have a desire for other kinds of physical contact that aren’t sexual in nature, but are still intimate.
I know the ask box doesn’t have a lot of room, and sometimes you can give very much information, but based on what you’re telling me, the words polyromantic asexual and biromantic asexual come to mind. Personally though, I wouldn’t stress to much over ‘official labels’ (in case you are). I tend to go back on forth a lot with my romantic orientation. Sometimes I ID more with homoromantic, sometimes biromantic, and sometimes just grayromantic. But when it comes down to it, it doesn’t really matter on a day to day basis because I don’t have to sit around explaining minute details to every person I meet haha. But I wanted to give you some ideas to start with, because I know how satisfying it can be to have phrases that describe how you feel! So I hope you find some!
Q:Hi. I think I may be asexual but I was wondering, how did you know were asexual? From what I understand asexuals can like romance and have sex sometimes but the difference between asex and others is lack of want for sex, right?
Indeedy- asexuals can like romance and sex! Asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction, though, so when asexuals do have sex it’s for other reasons- to compromise for a partner, out of curiosity, due to having certain kinks/fetishes, because it feels good, etc.
I’d like to open this question up to our lovely followers: how did all of you know you were asexual?
Personally, I found out one day halfway through college when I idly googled “asexuality in humans.” I didn’t think it was possible to *be* asexual, but I didn’t know what else to call myself. I knew that I (occasionally) experienced romantic attraction, but I didn’t know why I didn’t feel that *urge* to have sex with anyone I was interested in. That day, I found AVEN. And as I read people’s stories and talked with people in AVENchat, I realized something important about myself. And I realized that other people also identified as asexual- it was an incredibly powerful moment for me, especially after years of feeling broken. I discovered there wasn’t anything wrong with me. And that I wasn’t alone.
Back in my heterosexist, misogynistic teenage years, I used to think I was just picky, or less ‘airheaded and boy crazy’ than all the other ‘stupid girls’. And that all the boys my age were assholes and too awkward for me to want to date, even though I kinda had a few fleeting crushes (now I realize they were actually squishes, however). And that attitude kinda stayed with me until after my first year of Bible college (I quit after that year btw), and after I started dating a friend of mine.
It was while I was dating this guy that I started to feel broken, not because I didn’t want sex (I was a good christian girl because of that, obvs, haha, I didn’t think anything of that at the time), but because I didn’t want affection or attention from him, period. I had no desire to get closer to him than we already were, and I didn’t like him trying to touch and cuddle with me. Eventually I broke up with him because I couldn’t stand feeling obligated to give and receive romantic affection anymore. And I started to wonder what was wrong with me. Why hadn’t I ever had strong feelings for anyone.
AND YOU WOULD THINK that that would make me realize I was AROMANTIC, but I didn’t know about romantic orientations at the time. I was only just starting to get familiar with and accept the LGBTQ+ community. So I came across Asexuality first. I didn’t really understand it, and the definition on AVEN left me feeling that that couldn’t possibly be me. Because I mean I had (forced myself to) have ‘crushes’ in the past. And I always thought I would be interested in sex if I came across someone I liked enough.
And then on tumblr, I starting reading about romantic orientations, and the different between asexual and aromantic, and that some aces had sex drives, and some aces want romantic relationships. And then things just kinda clicked into place for me. I realized that all my past crushes had been pretty well purely platonic. Like… man I’d really like to play video games with that guy. Not even cuddle. Lets just game.
And while I was figuring all this out, something pretty new was happening to me. I was actually developing a REAL romantic crush on someone that kinda sneaked up on me completely out of left field because I’d never even wondered if I liked girls before, but hey, turns out I do?? And It was mostly platonic at first, and as we got closer, turned romantic over time.
And it was basically through this really weird span of a couple years and learning new things and getting relationship experience than I came to understand that, as far as I know, I’m pretty damn asexual, and also gray-romantic.
It’s just as soon as I was able to separate the idea of romantic and sexual attraction, as soon as I realized that I could want a relationship without wanting sex, everything made sense, and I knew I was asexual because I had never felt like I wanted something that I wasn’t getting in terms of sex. And if I had gone 19 years without ever ‘burning up with sexual desire’ for another person, I thought it was pretty safe for me to start IDing as Asexual.
Q:is it bad that i respect my identity enough to NOT have sex?
Why would it be bad to not have sex? What you do with your body and your sex life is completely up to you. No matter your reasons for not wanting to have sex, I would be 100% supportive of your decision not to.
Also I really want to update my sidebar but tumblrs customize section won’t let me save any changes -.- so annoyed right now. Posting about it to remind myself to check back later and to try different browsers.
So I never thought I was gonna be that person who reads theology books in their down time, but apparently I am haha. I guess struggling with these issues in real life really drives you to learn as much as you can about them.
This is the book that is next on my reading list, as soon as I can get a hold of it.
From what I have read of the introduction and about the author, this guy seems right up my ally. It looks like it addresses issues of gender fluidity as well as sexuality without being gender-abolitionist. In the introduction it states “I believe that, at it’s heart, Christian Theology is a fundamentally queer enterprise, and this book is an attempt to demonstrate this truth.” It also explains that “this book is about ‘queer’ theology as opposed to ‘lesbian and gay’ theology.” Which makes me tingle with excitement, because that last book I read was very much just about ‘lesbian and gay’ theology, and it barely touched on the rest of the LGBTQ community in any meaningful way whatsoever.
His other titles also sound very intriguing. I’ll snag them from his biography to show you guys:
Cheng’s research interests relate to the intersections of sexuality, race, ethics, and theology. His first book, Radical Love: An Introduction to Queer Theology, provides an accessible guide to queer theology. His subsequent book, From Sin to Amazing Grace: Discovering the Queer Christ, reclaims the doctrines of sin and grace for queer people and their allies who have been wounded by such doctrines in the past. Most recently, Cheng published Rainbow Theology: Bridging Race, Sexuality, and Spirit, which is the first book that brings together theological voices from various queer of color communities.
Rainbow Theology is particular I am really looking forward to!
So basically I’m sharing this in case any one else is interested in reading about theology from this angle instead of the average white gay dude angle. I know I’m really excited for it! And I’m also interested to know if any of my followers have read this or any of his other books, and what your thoughts on them are?
Q:I'm in a situation: I have this great friend who I've known for 20 years - we're both 27. In the past two years we've grown surprisingly close. Closer then I ever expected to get with anyone. We have had many talks relationship wise and so on, and neither of us want one. (We both identify along the asexual spectrum.) My situation is this: He's gotten into a new hobby that has consumed him and I fear will take him far away. I then realized I'm in love with him, but don't want to be. Help?
Your situation seems really difficult, and I’m sorry about that anon. But I don’t know how to help you. My question for you would be: what exactly do you want from him? Why does it bother you that you are in love with him? Because he doesn’t reciprocate? Because you want a romantic relationship? Or are you still happy without a romantic relationship?
It seems to me like the two of you are close, and you don’t want him to leave, so maybe you would like to be some sort of priority in his life? If not through a romantic relationship, then maybe a queerplatonic one? Or maybe neither? But either way, if you would like him to stay close by, then that’s something you can only really work through by having a conversation with him about it. Unfortunately I’m not him, and I can’t know what he wants. But I’m happy to be a sounding board for you!
I wish you the best of luck anon!
Q:Just stumbled on this, and holy chocolate chip you are awesome. *high fives* *follows*
Aww thanks <3
I just wanted to share a little bit with you guys about what’s going on in my life right now.
As some of you guys know, I come from a Christian family. My parents are the type to not want to talk about my sexual orientation or my girlfriend.
Over the weekend I did a quick read through of this book (which I have been meaning to for ages), added a few stickie notes to it, and wrote a 5 page letter to go along with it. I had bought it last summer with the intention of giving it to my parents, and now I finally got around to preparing it for that.
This book is the most rudimentary introduction I could get my hands on that adequately covered ALL of the theological points relevant to same sex romantic and sexual relationships. I thought that maybe, if I have some christian followers, you might like to do the same for the negative people in your lives. So here’s a quick summary of the book so you can assess whether or not it would be appropriate for your situation:
The Book contains:
- a personal account of Justin Lee’s research over the years into this topic, emotionally charged with personal anecdotes of suffering at the hands of bad theology (usually the kinda stuff you want your loved ones to read because maybe it’s the same thing you’ve gone through and you would like them to understand)
- A breakdown of the different theories of ‘Why are people gay’, which points out flaws in certain ones, and lack of evidence in others, concluding that it’s honestly impossible to know at this point in time.
- A guide of hurtful things that christians typically say about gay people and why they should not, explained very clearly
- A very THOROUGH discussion of the bible verses that have been used to oppress gay people, examined from all angles with both sides of the argument represented and a solid case made for the pro-gay side of the debate
- from the perspective of: A white gay man with a privileged upbringing (I know. Definitely not ideal but I chose the voice that was most likely to resonate with my parents. Maybe just this one time I can take advantage of gender and race bias to get my message across? I definitely chose the safe option here for a reason.)
- Does not address: trans people, asexuality, feminism, class or race struggles in intersection with homophobia. There are brief mentions of trans people in respectful ways, but they are not really discussed in this book.
- This book probably works best for white evangelical parents of gay children, although it might still be beneficial to read for others. Just keep in mind that this is a very rudimentary, simplified introduction to the debate and while it does it’s job well, I would only really recommend it as a starting point. Something to ease people into understanding your opinion.
Q:i just wanna say hi and that tho i'm not ace i'm following you anyway cause you seem awesome and i wanna learn stuff
Q:Okay so I'm kind of confused about a few things. I know that I definitely fall somewhere on the Asexual Spectrum, but I can never figure out if I'm Asexual or Demisexual. The other thing that confuses the hell out of me is my romantic orientation; most of the time I'm pretty sure that I'm Aromantic, but there are times where I find women more attractive than men, but then I find men more attractive than women but I also don't want to date any of them. Is that normal?
I know that it’s really great to be able to have words to define yourself, but it’s okay to be a little confused to. Personally I have a hard time pegging down my romantic orientation as well. It used to frustrate me a bit, but right now the simple fact is that I don’t have enough ‘data’. I’ve only ever been truly romantically attracted to one person, and one person does not a pattern make. So there really isn’t any way for me to exactly define my romantic orientation, except by choosing a word that makes ME feel comfortable (For example, I often use Homoromantic), while keeping in mind that one day I might feel the need to change that word. Which is completely okay to do!!
The thing about this all is that no one but you can ever really know. Trust me, I wish I had a magical sorting hat that I could use to help you all out, but you’re the only one who knows what you’re feeling. My best advice to you is to use words that you are comfortable with and reflects what you are currently looking for in your romantic or platonic relationships, and go from there!
As for the question, ‘is that normal?’, of coarse it is! You’re feeling it! And to be honest, there is no right way to feel these things, everyone experiences them a little differently, so there’s really no ‘normal’ to compare it to! Everyone goes through a period (sometimes multiple periods) of trying to figure themselves out, and I totally encourage you to do that (and not give up!) but also not to worry too much about it.
Labels can be a great way to find a community, but you should never worry trying to fit yourself into a box that you don’t feel comfortable with, & equally, never be afraid to explore outside of your orientation if that’s what you want to do.
A yes, christmas….
the holiday when you find out just how much your family members hate you
Q:I'll send multiple asks cause I'd like to remain anon. The first relationship I had, was a virtual relationship. I was 14ish and I was in this RP, I fell for a guy and we decided to be a couple. It didn't last long but I was comfortable with it. After that, months/years later, I had crushes on other people, but everytime I found out the had a crush on me too, I started to reject them. I am not disgusted by the idea of sex, but I can't picture myself having sex, I am not sure I want to share >>
» my body with someone else. This sucks, though, cause I’d love to have a relationship and kids (it may sound weird, but I planned to have kids by IVF many years ago ahah!). Now I am 19 and I’ve never even kissed nobody, and I think there’s something wrong with me, somehow… I don’t know if I should label myself as asexual or just weirdo, because I am not sure of what I am (and this scares me). Also, do you know any “social network” for asexuals? I’d like to meet other people that »
» have some problems with “sex” like I do, or maybe a partner that doesn’t need me to be intimate with him, because that scares me a lot. Even the idea of explain someone that I don’t want to have sex by choice scares me… Sorry for the long message and sorry for the bad english, I’m french and tired! Ahah! xxx
Well, you’ll be happy to know that relationships without sex are entirely possible, and your disinterest in having it doesn’t at all preclude you from having a romantic relationship and children one day if you want to! There are plenty of people out there whose relationships are going just fine without sex!
If you want to use the label asexual, go ahead and use it. It’s not like we’re some super special club haha. Labels are tools for us to use to describe out experiences, and if the asexual label is something that will help you describe yourself and communicate your feelings to other people, I would be happy to see you use it! Having the vocabulary to put your thoughts to words is a very valuable, powerful thing!
As for a social network, although I have never used it myself, I believe that acebook was made for the exact purpose you are talking about. For asexual people to socialize and maybe find people to date. I hope it suits your needs! If not, search through tumblr. I believe there are a couple asexual network blogs that will let you post a description of yourself and sometimes a photo so that you can connect with other tumblr aces!